The longing..

pushing towards the final run of the exams..however. the feeling seems void.. no motivation, no push.. i often find myself staring at my notes but nothing actually goes in.. baby had just left for home..and i am now sitting at the corridor where all the lecture halls are. its so empty.. and i am supposed to be studying.. i do really want to..

anyways.. tat was just a thought in my head tat i just wanted to spill out that is not really relevent..

Its been a while since i last played the piano.. and for the past few times i played it, it was massive involvement.. playing everywhere for gigs.. for most who i don't know, i am in the USM Jazz band.. so being the only pianist i have to practically back up for every song. and worst is i dont know how to sight read, and its been a tough ride, getting pressured and all. but i am getting better in terms of my sight reading. kinda getting a hang of it after not using it for like 6-7 years maybe? But my point is, i haven been really playing the stuff i used to like playing on the piano, the stuff that mingled my passion for music in the first place.

There is another concert coming up for small society tat encourages singer-songwriters, musicians to join.. its like a band but there are many people in it. Initially i wanted to join cause i tot it would be fun... but after the tedious experience i had to the point now i feel like playing music is no longer a passion but a burden, i decided to miss this concert, as it is optional and furthermore it takes up most of my holidays.

I find first and foremost that i really need a long break from playing music or being forced to play music. I truly long to play the things that i love to play on the piano. Guess i was born in nature to be a freestylist and playing last time with the youth back in church allowed me to be who i am. To be free to express the music i wanna express in my heart. But however, that feeling now feels void and i need to fill it back before i can again progress next sem to continue playing for the jazz band (its compulsory cause its a ko-kurikulum activity) again.

The true burden that i am facing now is that when i turned down the decision to join the concert this year for the optional band, they have tried numerous times to try to force me back in into the concert. I feel countless of times when i see them that my rejection to join the concert is like a betrayal to them. Come on lar, i have my choice to say no, since its optional. I really don wanna lose the friends i have by not joining this concert. But i just really need a long break during this holidays. And what meaning does it bring to me that i play music cause i am forced to and its burdening me, and when i do that, i cannot bring out the best in me. I really need the break to revive that passion and longing to play again. So please... release me..

I really long to play the music that can make me enjoy it as well as the people around me, that can best describe what i am feeling. And the most important, that my music reflects the love i have for my Maker, the one who embedded the passion in me and made me who i am today. Oh the longing..


Agape..